A Weighty Decision
Dear Auntie Abla,
I’m unhappy in my marriage. I recently gain so much weight because I’m exhausted trying to make it work. My husband puts in very little effort and I’m constantly worried that he will leave me.
We went for counseling and he still doesn’t put in effort. We have a child together and he pays very little attention to him.
I’m contemplating divorce but don’t know if I should stick it through.
What should I do?
Ana - A Weighted Heart and Decision
Dear Weighted Heart and Decision,
Sit beside me and imagine me holding your hand while I give you the kind of truth that most people are afraid to admit: you are not the first person to weight the balance of sticking it through or throwing in the towel. And as long as we continue to create human beings, you certainly won’t be the last.
First, let’s address the real issue, it’s not the weight you’ve gained on your body, it’s the weight you’ve been carrying on your spirit. You’re doing emotional acrobatics just to keep the marriage standing, while your husband is out here acting like a tourist in his own family. Hmm. The devil is a liar and so is anybody who thinks marriage is a one-woman performance.
Hear me well: no woman should have to beg to be loved, helped, or even seen, especially not in her own house. That house should be your palace, not your prison.
You tried counseling. You tried communication. You tried being the cook, the cleaner, the emotional support specialist, the human jungle gym for your child, and I bet a part-time motivational speaker for your man. And still, he’s giving lukewarm tea in a relationship that needs firewood and fufu-level commitment.
Now you're considering divorce and I can tell you're not taking that lightly. Good! But let me ask you: If your daughter came to you one day with this same story, what would you tell her?
Exactly. You’d sit her down, hold her hand, and remind her that she deserves the very best in life. You’d tell her that we only get one shot at this life, and who we spend it with, how we choose to live it, is deeply personal. No one can make that decision for her. As my wise mother used to say, “Only you know how hot you like your soup.” You can’t measure your happiness by someone else’s thermometer or compare your journey to anyone else’s.
Your health, your peace, your child, they deserve a happy, whole, fully lit-up version of you. Not the tired, teary-eyed version scraping together pieces of a partnership.
So, if staying means shrinking, and leaving means breathing again… then choose breath. Choose joy. Choose you. Reinvest in yourself. Especially your physical and mental health.
And remember, divorce is not failure, it’s refusing to let your life expire in silence.
I hope this helps.
Sending you strength, grace, and a warm pot of light soup for the journey ahead.
Auntie Abla